Healing and Dreaming

After a five-year season of continuous cross-bearing that caused me a great deal of physical, mental, emotional and spiritual suffering, I have recently entered into a season of resurrection. I have decided, more for myself than for anyone else, to write about this season of resurrection to keep a personal record of all the good that God is doing and revealing to me during this time. When the next season of suffering comes my way, I hope I have the wisdom to come back and read about these things and be reminded of God’s faithfulness. If anyone else is encouraged by my experience, praise be to God.

I am not really sure where to start with all of this, but here it goes. As I write this, I am still experiencing physical symptoms of mysterious illness on a daily basis. However, there has been a shift in my heart that is so significant that I call myself “well.” When people ask me how I am doing, I can authentically and without hesitation respond, “I am really good.” This simple question used to be so heavy for me. I never knew how to respond because it felt so complicated. I don’t identify myself as “sick” right now, even though I experience health challenges every day.

This shift happened shortly after beginning a program called “Dynamic Neural Retraining System”, though I attribute this healing wholly to God. An important part of this program is dreaming about your future in a positive way. Even thinking about dreaming about my future made me feel uncomfortable at the outset of this program, but I had to ask myself why dreaming felt so threatening. It dawned on me then that I couldn’t remember the last time I had legitimately allowed myself to dream or even think about my future in a concrete way. What if my ideas were thwarted, or if my hopes were dashed? I felt more comfortable living a life of zero plans, dreams, and expectations because then I could never be devastated. I felt safe in this narrow world of self-protection. I had dreams at one point in my life. But then I got sick and I had to let those dreams go for a time. And that letting go was so painful that I decided to guard my heart and stop dreaming.

But then I got thinking—what would happen if I allowed myself to dream again? What’s the harm in allowing myself to dream that maybe one day I will be able to drink a cup of coffee with my husband in the morning? Or that I will be able to eat my mother’s baking? That I could have multiple children? Thinking about these things is only uncomfortable (more like terrifying) because as soon as I start thinking about them, I imagine them being totally out of my reach, and it leaves my heart aching.

I was dreaming all wrong. Dreaming only works when its rooted in hope—but not a fleeting hope. Dreaming is life-giving when it’s rooted in trusting that God fulfills His promises. And He promises me an abundant life. Every time I have had to let go of a dream, God has done something way better than what I dreamed— but sometimes it takes time for me to realize it. I have had enough “deaths” and “resurrections” in my life to be certain that when things don’t go “my way” it is because God is doing something spectacularly better than what I had planned. Yet, I have been living out of fear that He won’t always follow through like He has every. single. time. before. I am such a slow learner.

So. In the past two months, I have started dreaming! I let myself dream about drinking coffee, having babies, being healthy, teaching, eating all the pie. And I absolutely enjoy every minute of dreaming about those things because I know that whatever God has planned for me is infinitely better than my idea of what would be awesome. I lean into that joy without fear of losing my dreams. A dream lost is simply a better dream gained. I would have NEVER dreamed or planned the life that God has graciously given me. If, ten years ago, you would have told me this is what my life would be like, I probably would have rather died. But God knows exactly what I need. In every moment of my life that I can remember, God has provided. Sometimes I can only see that in hindsight, but He has astounded me with His faithfulness.

So why do I identify myself as “well” when I still have symptoms? Because those symptoms have lost their power. They don’t threaten to take away my dreams. They don’t cause me to worry like they used to. They can be annoying at times, yes, but I refuse to let them steal my joy. The crazy thing is that since I’ve started dreaming in a way that is rooted in trusting in God’s goodness, this peace comes with little effort. My symptoms don’t occupy nearly as much brain/heart/soul space as they once did. Sometimes I literally forget about them. I might have an annoying symptom and totally not even notice because my focus isn’t on them. Some moments are better than others, but I am in awe of the difference letting go of fear has made in my experience of illness. I realize that I am human and I am very capable of slipping back into a life of fear when new challenges arise, but for now, I lean into the peace that I am experiencing without fear of losing it and I lean on God to give me the strength to battle against my weakness.

Future Sarah: Do not be afraid. It was in your darkest times in the past that God was doing His greatest work in your heart. Lean into the plans that He has for you right now and trust that there will be another resurrection in His perfect timing— if not in this life, in the next.